Last Leaf Designs | Web Designer » To Forgive and Forget

Lately, I have been swamped with work, that’s not a bad thing mind you, these days I find it kinda odd and boring to find myself nothing to do. Shows on the TV are blah and boo, books doesn’t interest me these days. The recreation I get these days are chatting with my former workmates through multiply (whenever I remember to check it that is haha) and lately, checking friendster because my college buddy and I have been exchanging comments off each other’s profiles hehe. That is when I chanced upon the profile of my “ex buds” in College.

It’s really hard to talk about it, one day we were cool and having a great time and the next they were nowhere to be found and they have been ignoring me and treating me like I’m lower than dirt. I don’t like that kind of treatment specially from people I have never maltreated and shown only good things to (as far as I know) because they are great friends to me.

I was very hurt by what happened to us, and until now, as I am writing typing this, I guess I’m still not over what happened. You see, I never got a clear reason why - it just happened. Wait… I think I remember something about them not liking Raye for me and they don’t want to trash him in front of me - I never believed that’s a valid reason for them to stop talking and being a friend to me that’s why there’s no clear reason.

It’s not a valid reason because I have been trashing my high school friend’s boyfriends in front of them, I don’t see that as a bad thing, at least the guy knows I hate him and don’t want him to end up with my friend so he better clean up his act or else I might do something worse than what I am currently doing, or something to that effect. I will exclude the guy anytime but I would never do that to my friend, that is until I reached my limits.

You see, I have always maintained the rationale that I don’t want my friend to be left hanging if and when she and her boyfriend eventually breaks up because we stopped being a friend to her. I want it that if and when she realizes that she made a wrong man-related decision then she’d know that she can always run to us. That we will never leave her, her boyfriend might, but we won’t. Friends, right?

A couple of weeks ago, I received a forwarded message from my former college classmate saying, “What if I had an amnesia and forgot who you are and what you are to me? What would you say?” or something like that. I then forwarded it to everyone in my classmates and workmates list. After that I forgot about it because I am not expecting replies until one of them replied, OK so it won’t be hard talking about them, we’ll give them M, R and S as initials. Anyway, S replied, I don’t know the number of the other two, with “I don’t want to answer that because I know I hurt you, I’m sorry.”

I was surprised by the reply and thought, so she does know she did something wrong to me! I never thought that they do feel guilty about them leaving me because when we had “the talk” during our thesis days they maintained that they never intentionally snubbed me, and that it was just me.

Lately, I have been thinking. How do you forgive someone? How do you forget something that is almost traumatic? (Among other stressing personal things)

I have been with them for more than two years and they were able to leave me just like that. That’s not the kind of friendship I have always wanted.

I am not the kind of person who forgets something very, very bad. I might forget one of the happiest things that happened to me but not any of the bad and/or embarrassing things that I felt and experienced. The actual feeling might be gone but there are still some that remains.

The falling out happened more or less two years from now already and I still get teary eyed with the thoughts of them and what happened. I have never held a grudge this long before, it has always been a year and I’m fine with the person. Now, I don’t know what to do. I guess it had been easy then because I know why I should forgive them and what I should forget, but this is totally different. I never understood why, what, how?

I want a day to come that I would want to see them again or even if that never materialized, I want the day to come when I would fondly reminisce the good times I had with them, without bitterness, without any trace of hurt and pain. When does forgiveness and forgetting starts? Those are the two traits I know I must work on, among other traits.

How can someone forget a person when, every time you hear those people’s names all you can ever think of was how bad they made you feel and treated after more than two years of being friends? How can you forgive someone who never admitted to doing anything wrong to you? How can you close a chapter when a very crucial page is missing?

Friendship, trust, betrayal - never thought how closely related they could be… until now, again. *sigh* People… that’s why there are times I wish people can be just like IE, yes, frustrating to work with but you will always find ways to understand what’s wrong and work around that thing that frustrates you (which is a LOT!) so everyone would be happy! haayy… :) Someday, someday.