Last Leaf Designs | Web Designer » Turning over a new leaf

While talking with Rhiz yesterday afternoon after she told me that she already posted our “party” last week, I realized just how much of a pessimist I am and it saddened me even more. I knew I’ve always been bitter and a pessimist but I realized that almost everything that’s coming out of me are just so sad and bitter and it’s really sickening. If I was talking to me, I’d get tired of the constant whining.

I thought maybe it’s time to change. And this time it’s for real.

Close your eyes and jump. Don’t think twice. Don’t regret.
Then, you’ve lived.

Bye Grandma

My grandmother, our beloved matriarch, died last Monday. When we, my siblings, cousins and I, went to visit her, I realized how much I hate them for talking to her as if she’s already dead. I hate the fact that they’re telling us to kiss her as though that will be the last time for us to do so. Maybe I’m on denial, but it’s because I still want her here.

The next day, my mom called from the hospital crying telling me to make sure to do the errands she asked me so she’d have less to think about — and I knew.

For quite sometime after that phone call, I felt like the entire world was mourning with us. It was 3 in the afternoon but the whole place was so quiet. When was the last time it happened?

Grandma and I were never close, I was never close with any of my relatives actually, but I got to talk to her from time to time. She’s strong and level-headed and is not nosy on other people’s businesses because she’d rather mind her own. She would never side with you even though you’re crying because it doesn’t always mean that you’re right but she’s still very, very, very caring with her children. It’s not obvious though.

It amuses me that whenever someone passes away, people felt that they need to say everything that’s good about the person. Even though they know that the person they’re describing won’t be able to appreciate what they’ve been telling others.

I don’t believe in regret. You’ve done something knowing that it was right at that time, you’ve done it consciously so you have no right to want to take it back. But now, I feel that I regret not being able to say “I love you” to my grandma. I’ve never told my paternal grandma how much I loved her too. I never learn do I?

I did told my mom that I love her while I was embracing her yesterday. Then I realized why I’ve never done that. We’re really not showy people, blame my grandfathers for my parents being shy in showing what they feel and teaching us that too.

My maternal grandfather was Chinese (actually both my grandfathers were Chinese, my paternal grandfather died when my father was in grade 6 though) and my maternal grandma was a Cebuana (my paternal grandma was an Ilocana and today’s her death anniversary). It always puzzles me whenever I think how they communicate with each other. A Chinese who couldn’t speak a coherent string of Filipino words, a Cebuana who doesn’t know a thing about speaking in Chinese, yet they were able to stay together until my grandfather’s death.

I don’t remember if my grandmother cried. I assume she did.

I just realized just how self-centered people could become in their time of grief. Who would’ve known?

Loving and Losing

I always tell people that I don’t believe in love. That love only exists to hurt you and there are no honest loves because I’m surrounded by people injured by it.

Honestly, I’m lying. My parents have been together for 24 years (tomorrow is their anniversary, how nice, no?). They’ve been together for 10 years before they decided to tie the knot.

My maternal grandparents have been together, as I’ve said before, until my grandfather’s death. After my paternal grandfather died, my grandmother did not marry anyone again.

I’ve managed to convince myself that they never existed. That it’s better to think and expect bitter endings than happy ever after so that it will lessen the disappointment and hurt you’re bound to feel. Why did I come up with such a stupid resolution?

I just realized how sad my grandmother was when my grandfather died. I’ve never thought of my parents as 2 individuals actually. They’ve always been one. I don’t want to think what would happen to the other if the other went away. We’ve been too dependent on one another that it’s hard to think we could still move on if one went missing.

How vulnerable.

On Change

I’ve always known why I hate change, because it messes up other’s perspective of you. I feel that one could go on in their entire life without making any changes. But sometimes change is necessary.

• Don’t think of what other people think. Not all of the time at least, because it’s how you perceive yourself that’s important.
• Always think of the positive things in everything. If you can’t find one, make it up and make sure that you convince yourself so you’d feel better.
• Be decisive!

So now that all the sad stuff has been released I’m ready to enjoy life. Yay for change! :)

Life is short, make it sweet.